When writing fiction, every sentence should move the story forward. To do that, characters must work toward achieving their goals. Your story then is about how well they accomplish their goals. For much of the story, they’ll fail to achieve their goals, either because of their own personal flaws or because they’ve been thwarted by a character who has other objectives.
Often the reason dialogue is flat and dull is because it’s not fulfilling this storytelling requirement. Such dialogue is filler and often pointless.
Consider this passage:
Barging inside his room, there was Ross, laying on the bed in just an undershirt and boxers, eyes wide open and breathing.
“Hi Mia,” he said.
“Hi Ross.”
“Have you been outside yet?”
“Just briefly.”
“What’s the weather like?”
Though the opening paragraph sets up a suspenseful situation, the dialogue that follows undercuts it. The dialogue instead should continue showing Mia trying to achieve the goal that caused her to barge into the room. Ross’s dialogue should show why he’s still on his bed.
Now look at how it has been revised to focus on the characters’ motivations:
Barging inside his room, there was Ross, laying on the bed in just an undershirt and boxers, eyes wide open and breathing.
“What’re you doing?” I said, pulling his suit from the closet hanger and bringing it over to the bed.
“I can’t go, Mia.”
“Are you ill? Maybe we can resched–”
“No, I mean I can’t go.”
Tightening dialogue so it shows a character’s motivations often involves inferring their thoughts and feelings while withholding information from the reader. Consider this poorly written dialogue, which doesn’t do either:
For the past seven hours, I’d been on my feet, talking nonstop about our app with every tech geek and potential investor who who stopped at our booth. Terrell was an hour late for his shift. Every text I sent him got the same response: On my way.
Then my phone rang. I glanced at the screen. Terrell. I excused myself, walked to the back of the booth.
“Terrell, I’m really mad at you. Where are you?”
“Mia, I spent the night with some girl from a tech company that has a competing app. While I was sleeping, she took all of my clothes and left the room.”
“What? I have a responsibility, Terrell. I can’t leave the booth unattended!”
“Could you please bring my duffel to Room 1202.”
“Look Terrell, I care about you and want to help. But I can’t just close the booth.” I glanced at the crowd growing around the booth.
“Please Mia – I need your help.”
Now look at how it has been tightened:
For the past seven hours, I’d been on my feet, talking nonstop about our app with every tech geek and potential investor who stopped at our booth. Terrell was an hour late for his shift. Every text I sent him got the same response: On my way.
Then my phone rang. I glanced at the screen. Terrell. I excused myself, walked to the back of the booth.
“Terrell, where are you?”
“Mia, you’ve got to come and get me.”
“I can’t leave the booth!”
“Bring my duffel. I’m in Room 1202.”
“What the hell is going on, Terrell?” I glanced at the crowd growing around the booth.
“Please Mia – I need your help.”
The dialogue in the second passage infers Mia’s thoughts and feelings. The reader can tell she’s angry at Terrell, that she is responsible, and that she also cares about her colleague. The first passage, rather than infer, states it. Stating instead of inferring, however, is exposition, which keeps the story from moving forward.
In addition, dialogue ought to create suspense. It can do that by withholding information from the reader. The first passage fails at this, because Terrell tells why he’s in trouble. In the second passage, Mia – and hence the reader – doesn’t know why Terrell needs help, and so that keeps us wondering (and reading!) as well.
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My name is Rob Bignell. I’m an affordable, professional editor who runs Inventing Reality Editing Service, which meets the manuscript needs of writers both new and published. I also offer a variety of self-publishing services. During the past decade, I’ve helped more than 300 novelists and nonfiction authors obtain their publishing dreams at reasonable prices. I’m also the author of the 7 Minutes a Day… writing guidebooks, four nonfiction hiking guidebook series, and the literary novel Windmill. Several of my short stories in the literary and science fiction genres also have been published.